The child is grown, The dream is gone.

Going home soon

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 06:44:31 GMT

So Jackson has been kind enough to stay and help me with the paper work.
Although he daughter Lily was not to happy about being left behind.
But we will be back in Pine Valley by the afternoon, and I am so glad. I'll be glad tp get all this legal stuff over with and just get home.
The guilt that surrounds me here is horriable. I keep thinking about poor Sophie without a mom.Her parents loved her so much. I am just luck to have her around now.

Anyways on a happier note here are some pictures of the baby.
Sophie Elizabeth is just so pretty!

Talking about my past again

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 08:48:35 GMT

Tad came to see me at the Valley Inn today.
Ohm... I really have missed my brother. Since I have been single for a about three years now he thinks it's time I date again.
Yeah I really can't see that one happening anytime soon. Unless Jennifer Aniston comes and begs me to date her. Well her or Greenlee. But at this time I would have better luck with Jennifer Aniston.

I think he is just worried about me because next Friday would have been Carolyn and mine third year anniversary. Of course I dated Dr. Carolyn Finn longer then we where married. Nine months after we where married and the she told me out of the blue she just didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I know that we where never madly in love , but we had an understanding. She knew why I asked Mia Saunders to marry me. Because I wanted to have a family. I cared about Mia but it was never enough. The real reason I hated her working at FUSION was because it caused me to have to be around Greenlee so much. I couldn’t move on but Mia didn’t understand that. I kept telling her to leave there. Stop being with Greenlee so much, and putting her in the middle of our relationship. And when she told she didn’t want a family or children. I just snapped. I wanted to be married and have a baby.

It’s all I ever wanted. And there was Carolyn a skinny tan blonde doctor who told me all she wanted was to have a family. And to marry me. We dated only a year and she knew about the lies with Mia, the love I had with Greenlee and Gillian, and she told me past didn’t matter. Also she said it was okay that we didn’t have mad passionate love for each other. That we where comfortable with each and that passion would come in time. For me I thought the passion was there at the week we spent in New York at the The Plaza Hotel , but it wasn’t for her. During the whole time she kept saying I want to have your baby Jake. After a miss period and finding out she wasn’t pregnant Carolyn was crushed. Her friend Leslie who was also a doctor ran tests on us both to check fertility. Turns out I had a low sperm count the doctor thought might have something to do with my age or stress related. She told us that in she could give me some drugs to up my sperm count and a few months we would be able to have a baby. Carolyn acted fine while there. I thought we had an understanding I would take Volume that would increase my sperm count. But I was wrong.
“I can’t wait that long to have a baby. I don’t want to be married anymore.” She said.
This was after only seven months of marriage. I begged her to stay. And yes I took the pills anyways and let her know about. I mean I was shocked. We where supposed to be married FOREVER. She promised. I mean at our wedding she gave this speech from Lucy Maud Montgomery about how love and friendship was intertwined with each other.
Here is the quote:

Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart it's pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

And yes I thought it was romantic she quoted that. I never read Lucy Maud Montgomery ‘s books but I thought it was so beautiful. And I respected Carolyn for the values you she had. She was a very religious woman and I thought she took marriage seriously. I mean we were both Catholic but there was no doubt she was the more faithful one. So anyways to make a long story short I spent her flowers with the quote on it everyday at her parents house when she moved out. This went on for a month until a lawyer named Shawn McKinley told me she wanted to have an annulment. She filed for annulment due to negligence. He told me if I signed the papers I could everything from the marriage Carolyn just wanted her freedom. I threw the papers at him and said I needed to talk to Carolyn. I went to her parents house and she answered the door paper in my hands. “Is this what you really want?” I asked. I didn’t want to be alone in that big house without her.
“Yes Jake. I don’t love you like that. And the truth is there is someone I do love , but it’s not you. I need passion. So do you. Give this ring to Greenlee. She is the person you love. The one you are mad about.” Carolyn said handing me the heart shaped diamond ring she insisted I brought her from Tiffany’s.
“Don’t bring her up.” I said signing the papers.
She nodded took the papers and shot the door. Just like that she was gone from my life.
I left my job at the Memorial Care hospital in Southern California . I lost touch with our old friends Leslie and Brad Perkins. I took a job at another local hospital called Los Angeles California Hospital. I didn’t try and date again . But I was feeling really good about myself. Until a few months ago something happened that let me know I had to leave.
You see at the hospital I made friends with gynecologist named Cathy Anderson. And no it was nothing romantic because Kathy is my mother’s age and well she is married to the love of her life Lon. Anyways the reason I had to leave South California is because although I didn’t know it Kathy is Carolyn’s doctor. And she had no idea that her patient was my ex wife. So when she told the nurse Brandon she needed my help for Carolyn’s C-section she had no idea she was asking me to help deliver my ex wife’s baby. And yes I stayed and made sure the baby came out right. Carolyn didn’t know I was there but I saw her there with Shawn McKinley the man who was her lawyer. It was a beautiful boy named Shawn Trevor McKinley Jr. And yes I got out of the room before she see saw me.
“Isn’t that so beautiful? I’m so glad those two finally got to have there baby.” Kathy said giving me a hug.
Then I broke down. Told her everything about Carolyn and I being married.
“Wow, it’s a small world. I’ve know those two all my life. They had an off and on again relationship. Until one day he told her he didn’t want to settle down and get married. Then she left him for a while , but I had no idea she was divorced.”
“It was an annulment.” I said softly.
“Are you okay?” She asked.
“I need to go home.” I said. The next day I quit my job and decided to move back to Pine Valley. I needed to stop loving my life as if she might come back home. And I needed to be around my family again.
And that’s my story with Carolyn. The long horrible story. Maybe it was my pay back for the way I treated Mia.
So that’s why this Friday January the eleventh will be so hard. Because not only does it remind me of the life I lost , but it almost reminds me of the life I have always wanted.
And since Tad knows the whole story he is trying to cheer me up. They have plans to take me to The Sixers vs. Memphis Grizzlies that Friday Philadelphia. Also my dad brought me four tickets to the A salute to Bon Scott Celebration Concert to raise money for a statue of the late AC/DC singer in Fremantle. So I’m really excited about that. I mean if I can’t have a girl I can still rock n’ roll right? Okay that sounded crazy. But Tad has agreed to go and so has Jamie. We asked Julia to go but she said she had to work that Sunday night and that she didn’t want to be the only girl there. So we have one ticket left. I wanted to ask JR to go , but Tad isn’t sure if he will be will enough to go. Hopefully he will. Because although things aren’t the best in my life I can still look forward to February 25 2007! I'll get to see the The Angels, Rose Tattoo ,The Party Boys,The Screaming Jets, Dave Warner’s from the Suburbs, The Spazzys, The Flairz and more. Wow.. I'm excited. I've been to a concert since Carolyn and I saw Lee ann womack. Yeah.. not my type of music.

Even if my brother is trying to get me to take out a personal add. I’m glad to be home. And once I go back to work I know things will be better. I just need to get a schedule started. And also I need to find my own place to live. I’ll have to get looking this weekend.

Who Needs Pictures

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 02:15:47 GMT

So I’m back in pine valley. And let me tell you things have changed.
Like Jamie my nephew is dating Julia Santos ! Wow, she like really close my age. I guess that’s okay because they really seem to care about each other! But it seems hard to believe that Jamie is grown up and dating a woman I worked with at the hospital, and all the guys drooled over. I’ll admit I thought she was attractive myself.
It’s not that I want Julia for myself. I just envy their happiness. I find myself jealous of Kendall for having Spike. And I’m going to go into how I felt about Adam right. Okay maybe I will alittle I could have been Colby’s father, but Adam stole that away from me. It was what Liza wanted. She made that choice , and now I feel like my daughter was stolen from me. He took what my might be my only chance at being a father. And I hope I can forgive him for that. Tad says I have to let the past go and have hope someday I’ll get to be a father. I just don’t know how much longer I can wait.
I’m just so lonely. I wish anything I had a date this Friday. But I’ll be at the Valley Inn ordering a pizza and catching a football game. Which wouldn’t be so bad. I just wish I had a beautiful woman to be there with me and lay there head on my shoulder.

And yes there is a woman I want. I really don’t think I ever stopped wanting her. She is a goddess. Really Homer should have named Helen of Troy Greenlee. Because she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Her face could launch a thousand ships easily. I would do anything to be with her now. I understand how she feels about losing Spike not only did I lose Colby the same way but Gillian lost our baby. And Greenlee was the only one I could talk to.
And when I saw her today at Valley Inn getting a drink I wanted so much to talk to her. She had on this red satin dress with her long brunette falling against her back. Also I noticed she had on a smart black jacket that seem to be keeping her warm. Her hazel eyes where shinning and she just look so soft. And I could feel all those old feelings coming back. If my brother Tad wasn’t there I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself.
“Give her time. Besides after being burn the first time don’t you know to stay away from Fire.” He said.
So I walked away and went to my room before she could see me.
And in my room I thought back to the night we had under the stars.
Laying on the blanket.
I still can remember everything she said that night.
I kept replaying it in my mind.
Her smile, the sound of her laugh, and the smile of her hair.
I can remember her saying
“Make me feel like a Goddess, Jake.”
Then I pulled her close in my arms and started kiss her.
Then I just felt like I needed to stop. It was going to far. I didn’t want to give my heart to someone who didn’t return my feels.
“Why did you stop?” She asked.
“Because if I do this, I'm afraid I'll fall in love with you.
If I fall, {in love}, it's really got to be all the way.” I said.
Then I started kissing her again. And yes I gave her my heart. She’ll always have part of it.
I really should move on. I thought for a moment I had.
Then things got worst when my dad brought me a box full my old things. Inside where pictures of Greenlee I couldn’t throw away.

Somewhere in my closet
There's a cardboard box just sittin' on a shelf
It's full of faded memories
And it's been there ever since the night you left

Oh, just forgotten photographs
To remind me of the past
Oh, but I can still see everything just fine
Who needs pictures with a memory like mine
Yeah, who needs pictures with a memory like mine

I couldn’t stop kissing her. But can you blame me?

My favorite picture of her she gave me.

This looked sort of like what she was wearing today but with a jacket and longer sleeves.

My favorite one of us.

Who says you can't go home

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 09:29:30 GMT

I am a good guy. But it seems no matter how hard I try I can never be happy. And when I am happy the person never loves me back. I fell so in love with Gillian but she had eyes only for Ryan. Now is gone. And I was not able to do anything to help her. Then there was Greenlee. I thought I would never love again until her. She made be feel so alive and happy. The nights when we were a couple and lived to together I would stay up to watch her sleep. She was an angel. I wanted to be with her so much. But although she loved me it wasn't enough. She loved Leo more. She was comfortable with and they just seem to understand each other. So our love wasn't enough. I was so hurt until Mia. I now understand how Greenlee felt. My love for Mia wasn't enough. She just didn't get and it could never work out. So I hurt her. A thing I'm not to proud off. I cheated on her with my now ex wife Carolyn. So here I am in my late thirties divorced three times and no children. I am grateful for the love I had with Gillian and with Greenlee even though they where only short lived. I wonder how she is now. Greenlee I mean. I know Leo's death broke her heart. And when Tad told me about Ryan treating her like he did I wanted to hurt the guy. Poor Greens. Although I know after what happened with Mia she doesn't think highly of me. I don't think anyone does. But maybe things will be different now. Maybe going home is just what I need. To be around my family. Who I know still love me no matter what a jerk I've been. And after all if Erica Kane can find the right one maybe true love has plans for me after all. So I'm packing my bags to head back into my past.

Who says you can't go back, been around all around the world and
that's a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home